Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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