You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
