hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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