I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
