Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
