seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
