i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
