You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
