My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
