Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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