Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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