Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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