Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
