im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
