Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My balls are so social today.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
