i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
