According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
