I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
