WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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