; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
