I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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