You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
