i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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