Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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