someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
