Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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