I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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