for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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