I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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