There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
