Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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