After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
