you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
