Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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