There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
