Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
