guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
