i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All the doctor said was why
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
