***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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