My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
