the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
