My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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