Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
