Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
