Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
