I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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