I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
