She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
