I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
