Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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